nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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