Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
