theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it because I queefed?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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