Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
