Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That accounts for only three of the penises
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
