It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sext me about skeletons
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