There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
