I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
