I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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