the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
