using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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