Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
