My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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