I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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