On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
