The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
