I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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