is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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