Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
