90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
