I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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