if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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