i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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