First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
