I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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