you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
