thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
