Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
