Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
