If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I enjoy the company of your penis
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
