just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
