Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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