I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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