i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
