Your face is a jimmy john
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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