when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
