Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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