this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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