Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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