I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
