wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
