we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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