Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
