Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
