My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
