i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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