$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
