I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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