I think my fart just growled at me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
