Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
