I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
