the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
