Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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