Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
