your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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