Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
