Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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