Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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