the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
