Walk of Shame. In a state park.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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