I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
