god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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