I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize